You wanna know something sad? I think slowly, day by day, the emotion is getting sucked out of me. Honestly. The other day, something happened, and I thought to myself “you should be sad, you twat”. And I wasn’t. I think I’m putting up this wall between me and literally everything else. I don’t want to be bothered half the time people talk to me. But I don’t say anything. But then there are times when I need to get the hell out of my room and socialize…with people I don’t necessarily care about. And you know what? I can say that here because they don’t care about me so much, they don’t read this shit! Lol, so whatever…
I think I’m just tired. Emotionally tired. And college doesn’t help with that. Maybe I’ll find my soul again when I graduate? It sucks though, because I love my boyfriend to tears and sometimes I feel like I’m giving him the short end of the stick just because I’m being cold-blooded. And that takes a lot to admit. Especially coming from someone like me who insists that I’m right just because I’m being rational. But I’ve learned in my sociology class that rationalizing is not always the best thing to do. I learned that the part of our brain that makes us have those gut feelings isn’t the part that’s associated with language. That’s why we can’t explain what we feel. We just feel it. I think I’ve been trying to explain that part of me and been unsuccessful, so now I’ve kind of given up on experiencing it if I can’t rationally explain it. Sucks right? But at least I have identified the problem now and can realize that I just need to chill the F out and not worry about that.
Honestly, I think it’s from school. I feel like certain classes force me to be rational about everything and that takes away the creativity in me. And my ensemble classes, man. Playing clarinet just isn’t the same for me. I used to love busting that thing out and jamming. But now, it’s a task. An assignment. I have to rationally play in a structured group because of someone else’s demands; for a grade. And that, that takes away the emotion, the speechlessness for me. I don’t know. I hope I’m making sense lol. If you don’t get it, take a number. Half the people I talk to, I feel like they just smile and nod because they don’t know what to say back. Then I bring my happy ass here and write my feelings like a silly goose.
Enjoy the rest of your evenings. Oh yea, I’ll be posting some pics here and there as well that I’ve been taking. For shiggles. I love feedback, so don’t be shy. Even just a hello is welcomed.