Evening Talk

My ways, my days
cool, soft and smooth
like the shoreline on the beach
where the water depletes
and recedes
back to the bottomless pit, an abyss, the ocean
doo ba doo dah
In turn, I yearn
hot, rough, and rigid
like the ever-burning coals
in the fire of my soul
the passion is real, oh can’t you feel
ba dee ba doo la dah
The night is talking to me
to me, to me, to me
yes, I hear you now
Whisper those sweet sweet words
like muted birds, to not disturb
the grace, the peace, the mood.
Oh night, I hear you now
ba ba bah dee bah dee….

7/22

Something good happened today. #HumpDayHappiness

After thanking God for the positive news, I reached out to the people who knew this was important to me and let them know. Instead of the celebratory, enthusiastic responses I was hoping for, I got solemn congrats or no reply. No questions about details or what’s in store for me now. Just, whatever.

Leave it to me to do something good but still be wrong.

Though it is good news, I’m still not giving up the search.

Looks like Netflix and Crunch N Munch for me tonight.

To Reach, To Dream, To Grow

These past couple of weeks, I’ve realized how important growth is to me.

Economically, emotionally, intellectually, physically.

I’m working on securing another job due to the lack of growth and sustainability at my current one. I know how to play with the cards that I’m dealt, but I also know when I need to change decks. The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. I feel like I have more control during the interview and negotiating because job security is on my side. I won’t lose sight of why I’m looking for the job and what I want in a company. I have worked and proven my worth plenty of times at my job. In return, I get more work and responsibilities. While that is fine and dandy, no sane person will happily accept more transactions without more money. I’m searching for that better opportunity to use my brain and be compensated for it.

My boyfriend and I went to find furniture this past weekend for the apartment we decided to get. Though he was out of town yesterday when I grabbed that freshly printed receipt from Mr. Fred for our first pieces of furniture, I felt ecstatic and relieved to be that much closer to living with him. My independence has always effected my life in one way or another. It’s hard for me to let someone help me or even offer to make something easier for me. I feel like I am less of a person, let alone less of a woman to accept such things. Being a Chocolate woman in this unapologetic society has no doubt influenced my sometimes irrational conclusions about some things. I’ve been able to work around that nonsense and focus on the true matters at hand. In this case, it’s me being able to accept the fact there this is someone who will argue me down about how much he loves me and genuinely wants me by their side every step of the way. His excitement about our first furniture purchase together was a big gesture to my ego. Both of us could continue to live on our own, but we have both made the decision that we want to live with each other. I can’t talk about moving with him without smiling. His willingness to do this with me will help us grow in our relationship. We will quickly learn more things about each other, both negative and positive.The uninhibited progression towards the unknown. But I know it’ll be great. We’re actually going somewhere in our relationship. The only thing that could make it better was if he didn’t have to travel so much for work. Though I understand the situation, I fear it’ll eventually stunt or interrupt our growth. I just love him and get scared that every time I love someone, it ends all wrong.

I took an assessment test today during the interview. The math, logical thinking, and reading questions were thrilling! I felt like such a weirdo walking out of there with a smile on my face, because I had been challenged. My brain was stimulated. I realized that since I have been out of school, I don’t really have anything stimulating or growing my mind. I definitely need to find more time to read or partake in activities for mental growth.

Beyond mental growth, my physical growth has been slim to none. I have been through phases of working out and not working out. I guess I can’t really get myself into a routine until the other things in my life simmer down. I have an organized mess of a life right now and am trying to throw in some jumping jacks and push-ups along the way. Not gonna happen.
I know the time will come, though, where I can get myself hunkered down and whipped into shape. I don’t like being unhealthy and feel like it’s creeping up on me. I don’t like the imminent flab on my legs or pudge on my sides. I have a lot of confidence in myself, but it’s always easier when you know what you’re working with. Furthermore, we all know I generally don’t give a fuck what others see in me, but I’d like to be something my boyfriend is proud of or that my friends compliment me on.

It’s been comfortable sitting here eating lunch and posting, but I definitely have to wrap things up and head to work soon. Man, I’m praying and waiting for the day where I can work from home and not worry about bills. I really want to make a career out of music/entertainment. I know I can do it.

7/15

I want to sleep. I want to go into a deep sleep and forget about what’s happening right now.

Nothing worse than when the people you care about and sacrificed for end up treating you wrong.
Every day there are things that can bring me down, but I throw on a smile and walk it off. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

But lately, it’s been harder and harder to walk it off with a smile. I guess a person can only take so much, right?
I’m just tired of giving my all and caring so much when it does nothing but hurt me in the end.

People leave. People die. People lie. People steal.People hurt.

And those people say they love me. Of course they do. It’s so clear…
Clear as mud.

Feeling like I need to visit today…
There’s something so calm and soothing about death. There’s no commotion or stress at a graveyard. It feels more peaceful there than my bedroom.

Or maybe take a walk…

I need some normality. Some support instead of resistance. Some understanding instead of rejection. Some empathizing instead of pity.

But as always, I’ll just write my posts, say a little prayer and wait for it to be over.

Confession Post

“you” – different people, places, things in my life; nameless

I don’t think you should be talking about that like you know EXACTLY what is going to happen. It’s not your right to impose on others and not your right to make such accusations.

I don’t think you should do what YOU think is right. I have told you how I felt about it and you seem to not take heed. If it all falls apart, you’re the blame.

I wish you would get it together already! My goodness, my goodness, when??

And you…you scare me. I don’t know what’s going to happen, when, or why. It’s a scary unknown. You…you scare me.

I haven’t talked to you in a while.

I miss you.

I very much dislike you and secretly hope things don’t turn out well for you lol but that’s mean so I won’t say that…but I hope you hurt yourself.

I love you.