To Reach, To Dream, To Grow

These past couple of weeks, I’ve realized how important growth is to me.

Economically, emotionally, intellectually, physically.

I’m working on securing another job due to the lack of growth and sustainability at my current one. I know how to play with the cards that I’m dealt, but I also know when I need to change decks. The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. I feel like I have more control during the interview and negotiating because job security is on my side. I won’t lose sight of why I’m looking for the job and what I want in a company. I have worked and proven my worth plenty of times at my job. In return, I get more work and responsibilities. While that is fine and dandy, no sane person will happily accept more transactions without more money. I’m searching for that better opportunity to use my brain and be compensated for it.

My boyfriend and I went to find furniture this past weekend for the apartment we decided to get. Though he was out of town yesterday when I grabbed that freshly printed receipt from Mr. Fred for our first pieces of furniture, I felt ecstatic and relieved to be that much closer to living with him. My independence has always effected my life in one way or another. It’s hard for me to let someone help me or even offer to make something easier for me. I feel like I am less of a person, let alone less of a woman to accept such things. Being a Chocolate woman in this unapologetic society has no doubt influenced my sometimes irrational conclusions about some things. I’ve been able to work around that nonsense and focus on the true matters at hand. In this case, it’s me being able to accept the fact there this is someone who will argue me down about how much he loves me and genuinely wants me by their side every step of the way. His excitement about our first furniture purchase together was a big gesture to my ego. Both of us could continue to live on our own, but we have both made the decision that we want to live with each other. I can’t talk about moving with him without smiling. His willingness to do this with me will help us grow in our relationship. We will quickly learn more things about each other, both negative and positive.The uninhibited progression towards the unknown. But I know it’ll be great. We’re actually going somewhere in our relationship. The only thing that could make it better was if he didn’t have to travel so much for work. Though I understand the situation, I fear it’ll eventually stunt or interrupt our growth. I just love him and get scared that every time I love someone, it ends all wrong.

I took an assessment test today during the interview. The math, logical thinking, and reading questions were thrilling! I felt like such a weirdo walking out of there with a smile on my face, because I had been challenged. My brain was stimulated. I realized that since I have been out of school, I don’t really have anything stimulating or growing my mind. I definitely need to find more time to read or partake in activities for mental growth.

Beyond mental growth, my physical growth has been slim to none. I have been through phases of working out and not working out. I guess I can’t really get myself into a routine until the other things in my life simmer down. I have an organized mess of a life right now and am trying to throw in some jumping jacks and push-ups along the way. Not gonna happen.
I know the time will come, though, where I can get myself hunkered down and whipped into shape. I don’t like being unhealthy and feel like it’s creeping up on me. I don’t like the imminent flab on my legs or pudge on my sides. I have a lot of confidence in myself, but it’s always easier when you know what you’re working with. Furthermore, we all know I generally don’t give a fuck what others see in me, but I’d like to be something my boyfriend is proud of or that my friends compliment me on.

It’s been comfortable sitting here eating lunch and posting, but I definitely have to wrap things up and head to work soon. Man, I’m praying and waiting for the day where I can work from home and not worry about bills. I really want to make a career out of music/entertainment. I know I can do it.


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