I’ve been sick the past few days; in and out of work. The most disappointing thing is that I find myself caring about how many days I take off work and what people think of it. I’m a very hardworking supervisor and do way more than my job title requests. I get assigned extra tasks just because no one else in the office knows how to do it, or they know I’ll do it better than anyone else. There’s no reason I should feel ashamed or bad about taking days off due to being sick or my pregnancy.
But I do.
Earlier in my first trimester, I was wicked sick and asked my boss if I could work from home one day. He responded back saying, “That is fine. Don’t make it a habit”. That pissed me off so bad. Who was he to tell me something like that? Don’t make it a HABIT?! How about you don’t make it a habit to make me your work bitch! I’m sayin…I was livid and still get upset about it to this day, obviously. I responded by telling him next time I’ll just take a PTO day. Funny thing is, that day was awful and filled with so many escalations from our client. If I had taken a PTO day, he would have ended up calling me asking me for help like always. When I do take days off, he just calls anyway asking for help.
To avoid another conflict, I just try to tough it out at work when I feel bad and take few days off. I don’t want my boss’s boss to think I’m incapable of performing my job because I’m pregnant. It’s a stupid feeling, I know. But I can’t help it.
Being sick these past couple of days, I finally understand that I need to just do whatever I need to do to make myself better for my daughter. I’m literally her life support right now, and I can’t afford to stay sick. I left work early yesterday, didn’t go in today, and don’t know if I’ll be in tomorrow. And you know what? I don’t fuckin care.
Though I’m not feeling well, I still have time to do simple things like continue to learn about coding. Oh yea, by the way, I’m learning web development! I’ve always thought that kind of stuff was interesting, but now I’m balls deep in it. HTML & CSS have actually been fun to learn. On to Java now. It’s great to have something that actually challenges me and makes me use my brain. My current job is mindless shit shoveling. I’m over it. Coding isn’t a lifelong dream or what I’ve always wanted to do or anything. It’s just, if I’m going to have to have a j.o.b. to pay bills until my c.a.r.e.e.r. happens, it might as well be a more suitable job like coding rather than what I do now.
My career-personal life issues still exist, but I’m coping with it better. I of course wish that my music business career was off and blasting, but I am very happy to have a family. It kind of feels like I’m just now starting to live. One of my college friends text me the other day and told me congrats on everything in life and that she was very excited for me. She had no idea about me hating my job and that my music career was in shambles. All she saw were the happy posts of my fiance, my family, my belly bump updates, my new home, etc. She saw me living my life and creating a future, not necessarily job related future. She respected that and was very happy for me. The feeling I was overcome with is indescribable. I was proud of myself and genuinely happy. I know I need to feel that way all the time, blah blah, but you know what I mean. It was cool.
You know what else is cool? Feeling my daughter kick and move around in my belly. Nothing compares to the joy I get from knowing that there’s a little life inside of me, and she’ll soon be out and in my arms. The main reason I want to pursue a job in coding is that it will give me time to be home with her rather than in an office an hour away, 5 days a week. I’m working on it. Praying and believing that there are a lot of positive changes coming my way; our way.