I Have To Remember

After I had my daughter, my perception of myself changed so drastically. I mean, I could walk out the house looking throwed and would still feel like I was the shit.

No makeup, crazy clothes, crazy hair. I owned it.

But now I find myself spending much more time critiquing and trying to perfect the woman in the mirror. Sometimes I’m not quite sure of the woman staring back at me.

She’s not as confident, cares about what her face looks like, cares about what her hair looks like. “Be you” they said. “Be natural” they said. Yea, but when someone judges and dislikes the natural you, it hurts. It sucks. Especially when you’re not really prepared for it.

Imagine being super confident and amazing pretty much your entire life (or at least thinking that you are), and then suddenly, all of that is gone. You second guess yourself, doubt your ability to be amazing. I’m past that part but still struggle with the ‘love yourself on the outside’ part sometimes.

I chopped all my hair off when we confirmed my pregnancy in January. I did the same thing when I was pregnant with my daughter. The hormones help me rock some beautiful curly, natural hair. And the fact that I can’t perm my hair while pregnant keeps me treating my hair nicely, no harsh chemicals.

But it’s not all cupcakes and roses. I have only worn my hair natural to work for about the first 2 weeks after I chopped it. Why? Mainly because people don’t know how to act. Yes, I’m talking to you, white people. Yall act like it’s a got damn magic trick if I come in to work with different hair. I would change it up every other day if I could…but that’s expensive lol. Hair is like an accessory for Black women; get over it. You can do the same also. And I’m not talking about all white people, but about 97% of the people who react negatively or weirdly to a change in hairstyle for me are white. I have a tendency to go off on people lately, so I try to safeguard the issue and not ‘provoke’ yall with a change in hairdo. Lately I haven’t been caring, though, and have just been doing what I want. It’s felt pretty good. It hasn’t been me rocking my natural hair, though. I’m just not feeling it anymore…

But it’s not just the hair. My face is changing as my pregnancy progresses. It’s so funny, people say “omg you’re glowing” and this and that. Ummm no, that glow is from the blush that I applied this morning! When I really am ‘glowing’, it’s from the nausea and vomit I’m trying to keep down; all the blood and hormone changes create that glow.

All in all, I’m doing way better this pregnancy than I did with my daughter. I carried the weight a lot worse and had more issues. This pregnancy with baby boy has been textbook, and I think the good Lord for that every dang day.

I have so much more confidence than I did when I first had my daughter; postpartum is real! You don’t realize it’s affecting you until you’re pretty much neck deep in issues.

I just have to remember that I bounced back before and will bounce back again. I have to remember I am beautiful inside and out no matter what hormonal spout I’m feeling that day. I have to remember I am the shit.

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