A stuck stick in the mud.
Willing but unable to move.
Watching the other branches sway.
Efforts to be excellent.
Lost to being the best stuck.
Clouds go dark.
Branches break and blow away.
The sky opens, releases refreshing waves.
Stuck no more.
Loose enough to make a choice.
Float or stay.
Float or stay.
Expressing yourself can be hard as fuck sometimes. Especially when you don’t have something necessarily good to say.
But in hindsight, it’s better to at least try. Though the convo may not play out as you thought/planned, hell at least you tried. At least you put forth the effort to let the other person know what was on your mind, on your heart.
And if they can’t appreciate the value in that, then there’s something wrong with them, not you.
Communication is so important on every level of life. Sometimes we get so caught up in the fact that someone is saying something ‘negative’ and we forget to even just appreciate the fact that they’re expressing themselves. Allowing themselves to express how they feel.
And don’t let the fact that previous conversations turned into arguments keep you from listening to them.
Listen to respond, not to react.
I believe people can change, for good or bad, but they can change. So every conversation isn’t going to be like the one before. You or they don’t always have to be the villain in the situation. Maybe they fuckin figured it out and actually just want to tell you something that’s concerning them. They felt safe enough to tell you, so respect that and embrace the connection rather than whatever ‘negativity‘ you feel coming from it. Don’t get upset, just connect and understand them.
Believe in love.
Sometimes I feel like I am asking for the world on a platter when I’m really just asking for some common sense.
Thinking I’m a bitch or unreasonable is just your lack of understanding how I arrived to my conclusion.
Not saying that I am always right, but you just don’t make sense.
I sometimes picture the “what ifs and what if nots” and find myself lost in the scenes of a childhood memory.
More often than not, I’m trying to regain the strength to carry on with reality and consciousness.
What did I do?
Did I give up on a dream and settle for a nightmare?
A slow motion theatrical with characters who are unaware?
Forgive me for my forwardness and drastic rationality.
I never really understood the purpose of it all.
You wanna know something sad? I think slowly, day by day, the emotion is getting sucked out of me. Honestly. The other day, something happened, and I thought to myself “you should be sad, you twat”. And I wasn’t. I think I’m putting up this wall between me and literally everything else. I don’t want to be bothered half the time people talk to me. But I don’t say anything. But then there are times when I need to get the hell out of my room and socialize…with people I don’t necessarily care about. And you know what? I can say that here because they don’t care about me so much, they don’t read this shit! Lol, so whatever…
I think I’m just tired. Emotionally tired. And college doesn’t help with that. Maybe I’ll find my soul again when I graduate? It sucks though, because I love my boyfriend to tears and sometimes I feel like I’m giving him the short end of the stick just because I’m being cold-blooded. And that takes a lot to admit. Especially coming from someone like me who insists that I’m right just because I’m being rational. But I’ve learned in my sociology class that rationalizing is not always the best thing to do. I learned that the part of our brain that makes us have those gut feelings isn’t the part that’s associated with language. That’s why we can’t explain what we feel. We just feel it. I think I’ve been trying to explain that part of me and been unsuccessful, so now I’ve kind of given up on experiencing it if I can’t rationally explain it. Sucks right? But at least I have identified the problem now and can realize that I just need to chill the F out and not worry about that.
Honestly, I think it’s from school. I feel like certain classes force me to be rational about everything and that takes away the creativity in me. And my ensemble classes, man. Playing clarinet just isn’t the same for me. I used to love busting that thing out and jamming. But now, it’s a task. An assignment. I have to rationally play in a structured group because of someone else’s demands; for a grade. And that, that takes away the emotion, the speechlessness for me. I don’t know. I hope I’m making sense lol. If you don’t get it, take a number. Half the people I talk to, I feel like they just smile and nod because they don’t know what to say back. Then I bring my happy ass here and write my feelings like a silly goose.
Enjoy the rest of your evenings. Oh yea, I’ll be posting some pics here and there as well that I’ve been taking. For shiggles. I love feedback, so don’t be shy. Even just a hello is welcomed.